A Sweet and Sour Exit

I leave in two days! Whoa.

That aside I'm feeling much better. The malaria is pretty much dealt with and I'm back to enjoying Nairobi. I bought some cool Congolese and Cameroonian masks to take home with me. Hopes are that when I finally have kids I'll have one room filled with cool masks that the youngin's will be too afraid to go into (planning peace and quiet seems to be important). Saw The Simpsons Movie yesterday (average, but entertaining) and I'm off to see Transformers today. Life is back on track.

Anyhow, where was I. Ah yes, Chinese food. I liked the bold headline last time for the malaria thing, let's use that again. It's very official looking. It's amazing what thicker letters can do, eh?

Chinese Food Abroad: Breaking Kosher in the Name of Science

Before the reviews come I'd like to go over my technique and mission. The purpose of this project is not to find "real" or "authentic" style cuisine. That couldn't be further from the truth. The bar against which all this is measured is really, really, really good Chinese take-out (you know, the kind in little folded boxes with dragons on them). With this in mind the plan became clear. One Sweet and Sour Chicken, two Veggie Spring Rolls and Steamed Rice would be sampled at each resto in order to create an even picture, with all other dishes sampled being treated as side-evidence (all foods capitalized for emphasis, we can't always use bold you know). What I looked for went as follows:

Spring Rolls: Overfried? Greasy? Crispy/flakey or bready? What was in it? What kind of sauce came with it?

Chicken: Was the chicken fried? Too fried? Crispy? Sizeable pieces? Was there pineapple and bell pepper? Sauce quality? Sweet? Sour? (Chicken?)

Rice: Honestly, anyone that messed up rice was written off immediately.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, the reviews.

The Good:
Fang Fang (Kampala, Uganda): Likely the most famous resto I visited, Fang Fang's decor was gorgeous. A flowing lawn, with garden, giving way to the patio where you're seated. Very, very soothing if you have being walking the insane streets of Kampala for more than twenty minutes. The presence of a giant Chinese buisness convention was probably a good sign of quality as well (Dro still thinks it was a mob meeting). Here I actually goofed. Ashley got the sweet and sour and I got veggie lo mein. Her chicken (I tried some) was fantastic. Sweet, sour, chicken-y, crispy, packed with veggies and deliciousness. Spring rolls were a close to take-out as you get. Round, flakey, packed with shredded veggie goodness and coated in a thin layer of grease. Mmmmmmmm. Fluffy rice, good tea and excellent service. My noodles were thick and filling. Good veggies and big servings. Fang Fang lives up to the hype as a solid backpacker splurge.
Rating: 4 stars (out of four)

Schezuan (something I can't recall that began with "z") Chinese Restaurant (Dar es Salaam, Tanzania): Having been unable to find the resto recommended to me by the Lonely Planet I stumbled across this place about 2 blocks from the hotel. Go figure. Mike, the Canadian I had met at the hotel, had veggies and prawns he said was amazing (I dared not try) and I had the usual. The spring rolls were by far the best I've had in Africa. Super-thin shells, with plentiful, steaming veggies inside. Plus, instead of ordering them individually they came in plates of three (cheaper!). The sauce, while not very thick, was as close to duck sauce (it wasn't very close) as you'll get here. The chicken was a masterpiece. Huge chunks of perfectly crispified white meat, tossed with veggies and massive pineapple wedges piled high from the table to well over my head (exaggeration!). The rice was...uh...steamed. The only negative was the fact that they took an hour to take our order and another 45 minutes to serve. Oh African time...
Rating: 4 stars

Dong Fang (Bujumbura, Burundi): Following the trend of "Fang" restaurants being great, Dong Fang (giggle) was a tasty surprise to find in a city that was 5 months removed from civil war. My friends were less impressed with their fried rice and cashew chicken than I was with my s&s goodness, but this stuff was delish. The spring rolls were a little small and the casing a little thick, but the crispness was spot-on and the pili-pili (uber-chili) sauce they came with almost necessitated a nasal cavity transplant (awesome). The chicken was plentiful (huuuuge plate), the sauce perfect and the level of frying outstanding. The inclusion of red AND green bell peppers alongside massive chunks of pineapple added a nice finishing touch to an excellent meal. As an aside, the cashew chicken Ashley had was also pretty good.
Rating: 3.5 stars

Mandarin Chinese Restaurant (Jerusalem, Israel): Certainly posher than anything in Africa (but still not Kosher!), Mandarin got bonus points for being a family diner. Everyone else seemed quite pleased with their food, but honestly I was too wrapped up in my chicken to notice. Small portions (not in Africa), but tasty chicken done right. The addition of San Pellegrino was a fantastic touch. The spring rolls, while not memorable, were tasty. Well done Holy Land.
Rating: 3.5 stars

Macau Portuguese Cultural Centre (Lilongwe, Malawi): I know what you're thinking "Macau what?" I swear this is a Chinese food place. There's three pages of Chinese food offered and about 3 Portuguese options. Very surreal place. Anyhow, the food was pretty damn good. The spring rolls rivaled those of Dar es Salaam, but the sauce was a little cloudy and had the colour of a cherry slushy. Eww. The chicken came in small pieces, but the veggies were good and the sauce was incredible. Cassie (one of three friends in attendance) had the same as me and concurred that the food was good, but not great. Jess's veggie noodles were tasty, while Gur looked pretty sad about his "Ants in the Tree" (lettuce wraps). It wasn't great Chinese food, but hey...it's in a Portuguese cultural centre, what were you expecting?

Bonus: Great fortune cookie message: "It will happen, in good company." Brilliant.

Rating: 2.5/3 stars

The Restaurant of China (Kigali, Rwanda): This was kind of a wash, literally. The resto is perched on the roof of a two story office building and is open air. Perhaps a bad design move in a city high up the moutains that has two rainy seasons. The spring rolls and rice came first and they were pretty average, but the sauce was great. Disappointing since the food in Kigali is normally so good, but all things considered they weren't bad appetizers. Then, the rain came. Pouring, freezing cold, pounding rain. Shit. I never got to taste the chicken, but the kitchen smelled great so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. The food on other tables looked fantastic before it got drenched. I headed to meet some friends at a great non-Chinese resto New Cactus, where I had amazing 5 cheese pizza and garlic bread. Not a bad way to end the evening, but I left Kigali feeling incomplete. Buy some umbrellas for the tables you idiots.
Rating: 2.5 stars

China Plate (Stone Town, Zanzibar): Here's an odd place. With a balcony overlooking the Indian Ocean to the west (prime sunsetting spot), China Plate has a serious feel of neglect to it. The bad Chinese TV shows are a little too loud. The paint is peeling and the table cloths have some holes in them. It's an old joke that there is no word for "maintenance" in Kiswahili, apparently the Chinese owners caught that bug. The spring rolls were...chewable. Good filling, but the casing was a bit too burned and a bit too bouncy to be called tasty. The s&s was, on the other hand, fantastic. Did it taste like sweet and sour chicken? No. Did it look like it? No. Was it delicious? Absolutely. I have no idea what it was that I ate, but I know I enjoyed it. The second visit was less impressive, when the lemon chicken came with no lemon sauce or lemons. "Sorry sir, we have no lemons. Here is chicken." They eventually made some bland, mystery sauce to make the chicken a little more exciting, but the damage to their rating was done. Get it together China Plate, y'all got potential.
Rating: 2.5 stars

The Bad:
Chinese Gardens Restaurant (Nairobi, Kenya): Nice decor, good view of the city (it's on the 5th floor of an office building) and friendly staff. The spring rolls were decent enough, though the pili-pili was lacking, but far too small. The chicken was greasy, which leaked into the sauce and made the veggies (green peppers and onions) soggy. The sauce was super-sweet (no trace of sour to be found) and almost runny. Coating the chicken with it was hard and soaking the rice with it just messed up the rice. It wasn't a total train wreck, but it wasn't delicious by any means.
Rating: 2 stars

Yaya Centre Food Court (Nairobi, Kenya): Like Chinese Gardens, this was hardly terrible. It tasted great after three months of no Chinese food in CFSIA, but in hindsight it was not all that and a bag of fortune cookies. This, as the first resto, did not follow normal procedure so no s&s was consumed. The Hot and Sour soup was way more hot than sour, and too big to finish (Christilyn and Stacey helped with that). Nice veggies inside, but definitely not your usual hot and sour treat. My veggie lo mein was greasy, but could have been greasier. Take out lo mein should be thick and greasy! The tea was alright, but the company was fantastic. Food aside it's a meal I still think about with a smile on my face.
Rating: 2 stars

Pagoda Chinese Restaraunt (Stone Town, Zanzibar): The decor is wonderful and the adverts make it clear that it beats out China Plate for the almighty tourist dollar/euro/pound, but I would avoid the Pagoda if I were you. Bones in the s&s is an unforgivable Chinese take-out sin, and having a sauce hinting to BBQ flavouring (it's sweet and sour, not Colonel Sanders!!!!) is a bit embarassing. The spring rolls fell to the common problem of overfrying and overbattering, though well sized and filled. The rice was...uh, rice. Mmm rice. Zanzibar is hardly a Chinese food haven, but if you must sample it head to China Plate.
Rating: 1.5 stars

The Ugly:
Hong Kong Restaurant (Blantyre, Malawi): Not in a capitol city and not really China (ooooh political statement!), Hong Kong is all show and no substance. Great decor and a rentable "special" rooms, the resto looks great. The food? Not so much. The spring rolls were burned and tiny and the sauce runny. The s&s was plentiful, but fried to a crisp and served in the same sauce as the spring rolls with no veggies. Boo. I returned with some Brits and sampled the veggie lo mein, which tasted like nothing (and soy sauce) and hit my stomach like an atom bomb. I suffered for this review people. Ugh
Rating: 1 stars

Sarit Centre Food Court (Nairobi, Kenya): This shit was radioactive and unfinishable. Paging Tiki Ming/Manchu Wok we need you in African malls!!!!
Rating: Unstarable

So there it is, my life's work. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did (well, most of it anyways). This is likely the last travel update, so I hope this has been interesting to read for those who had the energy to keep up with me (not sure how many of y'all that is, haha). The trip, on the whole, has been incredible and incredibly exhausting. I'll look forward to seeing y'all back at home.

Cheers,

-Dave